The Neurodivergent Love Lab

Welcome to The Neurodivergent Love Lab

• Jenna Dalton • Season 1 • Episode 1

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Have you ever sat across from a therapist, a partner, a friend - someone who was genuinely trying to help - and thought… they don't get it?

Not because they weren't smart. Not because they didn't care. But because the advice they were giving you was built for a brain that isn't yours.

If you've ever tried to "just communicate better" or "meet in the middle" and felt yourself failing at something everyone else seemed to find easy - this episode is for you.

In Episode 1, Registered Provisional Psychologist, Jenna Dalton, introduces The Neurodivergent Love Lab: what it is, who it's for, and the core belief that drives every single episode that follows.


IN THIS EPISODE

  • Why so much relationship advice fails neurodivergent people (and why that's not your fault)
  • What "neurodivergent" actually means when we're talking about love (not the textbook version, the lived one)
  • How ADHD, autism, and AuDHD show up in conflict, communication, intimacy, and connection
  • The reframe that changes everything
  • What to expect from the show going forward


MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE


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A NOTE

This podcast is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for therapy or mental health care. If you're in crisis, please reach out to a local crisis line or emergency service.

SPEAKER_00

Have you ever sat across from a therapist, a partner, a friend, someone who was genuinely trying to help and thought, ugh, they just don't get it? Not because they weren't smart, not because they didn't care, but because the advice they were giving you was built for a neurotypical brain. Just communicate better. Look for subtle bids for connection, schedule intimacy, and plan fun date nights regularly. And you tried. You tried so hard. And when it didn't work, you didn't think the advice was wrong. You thought you were wrong. If that sounds like you, welcome. You're in the right place. This is the Neurodivergent Love Lab Podcast. I'm Jenna Dalton. I'm a registered provisional psychologist, and I help ADHD, Autistic, and Audi HD adults navigate love and relationships. And this is episode one. Today I'm telling you why I built this, who it's for, and the one thing I want you to walk away knowing. Why is there so much relationship advice in the world and so little of it designed for neurodivergent brains? Think about it. There are thousands of books about communication, millions of Instagram posts about healthy relationships, entire industries built around helping people get the love they want. And almost none of it accounts for the fact that somewhere between 15 and 20% of the population has a brain that processes information, emotion, sensation, and connection differently. That's not a small number. That's not a niche. That's potentially one person in every couple or partnership. And yet, when a neurodivergent person goes to couples therapy, they're usually handed the same tools as everyone else. Tools that assume you can access your emotions on demand. Tools that assume eye contact is connection. Tools that assume compromise is always fair. Tools that assume your nervous system regulates the same way as your partners. And when those tools don't work, we don't blame the tools. We blame ourselves. I hear it every single week in my practice. I'm just bad at relationships. There's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not meant to be in a relationship. And every single time, my answer is something like this. Your brain isn't broken. You just haven't been given the right neurodivergent-friendly tools yet. Let me explain what I mean by that. And to do that, I need to talk about what neurodivergence actually is. Not in a textbook way, but in a how does this show up when you're trying to love someone kind of way? When we say someone is neurodivergent, we're saying their brain is wired in a way that diverges from the statistical average. ADHD, autism, ADHD, when you have autism and ADHD at the same time, these aren't character flaws. They're neurological differences in how you process information, manage attention, regulate emotion, and experience the physical world. And here's where it gets relevant to love. If your brain processes emotion differently, conflict is going to feel different. If your sensory system is more sensitive, you might have different intimacy needs. If your executive function works differently, sharing household responsibilities is going to need a different system. If you experience rejection sensitivity, a simple, ugh, I'm tired. Can we talk later? can trigger a full emotional spiral. If you have demand avoidance, your partner asking you to take out the garbage can become a full-blown conflict that feels exhaustingly familiar. None of that is a reason to assume you're getting it all wrong. But if you're using tools that don't account for any of it, of course it's going to feel like you're failing. So that's what this podcast is about. It's about taking the relationship advice you've been given and rebuilding it for how your brain actually works. Now let me tell you who I made this for, because I want you to know whether you're in the right place. This is for you if you were diagnosed with ADHD, autism, or Audi HD, or if you've self-identified and you're still figuring out what specific flavor of neurodivergence you fall under. Really, no diagnosis required to lean in and embrace what I'm going to share with you. But if you are diagnosed, maybe you got your diagnosis at 35 or 40, and suddenly your entire relationship history looks different. That moment when everything clicks, that's when you stop blaming yourself and start understanding your brain. I call that the huh, it makes so much more sense now moment. And it's the emotional core of everything I do. This is for you if you've been in therapy before. And it felt okay-ish, but like something was off. Like the therapist was nice, but the tools and strategies they gave you didn't really work like they were expected to. Like you were following all the steps, but nothing was really changing. That's not because therapy doesn't work. It's because you need therapy designed for your unique brain. This is for you if you're in a relationship and you love your partner, but there's a gap, a communication gap, a sensory gap, an executive function gap, and you're both frustrated, but neither of you knows what to do about it. You feel like you've tried a million different things and nothing seems to work. Maybe you're even starting to give up hope. This is for you if you're recently out of a relationship and trying to understand what the heck happened? Why do you hyperfocus at the start and then pull away? Why do you shut down in conflict? Why does every partner eventually say the same things? Why are you constantly feeling like you're simultaneously too much and not enough? And this is for you if you're the partner of a neurodivergent person and you want to understand what's happening, not from a pathological perspective, but from a how do I love this person in a way that actually works for their brain perspective. If any of that resonated, you're in the right place. Every week, I'll release a new episode. They'll all be about 20 to 30 minutes long, and I highly encourage you to lean into whatever helps you absorb the information best for the way your brain works. Listen while you're doing something. Listen during a workout. Find a quiet space by yourself. Bring a notepad or journal to jot down insights. Listen with a partner and pause this 52 times to have a meaningful conversation about what you're learning. Embrace what works for your brain because you're the expert on you. Every episode will follow the same structure. First, I'll name the experience. I'll describe what you're likely going through in a way that makes you feel seen. Because if a tool is going to help you, it first has to come from a place of I understand what this actually feels like. Then I'll explain what's happening in your brain. Not in a clinical, jargon-heavy way, but in a way that gives you language for something you've always felt but couldn't quite articulate. And then I'll give you something practical: a tool, a reframe, a script, a strategy, something you can actually use right now in your relationship and in your life. The episodes will rotate across five different themes or pillars. There's educate, where I teach you about how your brain works in relationships. Relate, where I mirror your lived experience so you feel less alone. Equip, where I give you practical tools and frameworks. Disrupt, where I challenge neurotypical default advice that might be hurting you. And connect, where I'm gonna build trust with you and invite you into this community, or at least that's my intention. Some episodes will make you nod, some will make you cry, some will make you send a link to your partner with the message, this is what I've been trying to explain. All of them will come back to the same core belief. Your brain isn't broken. You're not bad at love, you just haven't been given the right tools yet. I want to say one more thing before we wrap up this first episode, and it's about how I approach this work. I'm a neurodiversity affirming clinician. That means I don't see ADHD or autism as disorders to be fixed. I see them as neurological differences that come with real strengths and real challenges, and both deserve support. I will never try to make you neurotypical. I will never tell you to suppress the parts of yourself that don't fit the mainstream mold. I will never suggest that the goal of therapy or personal growth is to become someone you're not. The goal is to understand how your brain works, communicate that to the people you love, and build a relationship that honors both of you. And I believe that the neurodivergent community deserves professionals who show up with both clinical experience and genuine understanding. I've been working in mental health and wellness for over 20 years. I have a background in attachment theory, acceptance and commitment therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, emotion-focused therapy, and somatic therapy, to name a few. All adapted for neurodivergent brains. And I specialize exclusively in neurodivergent relationships and neurodivergent people. That's not one of many things I do. It's the thing I love to do because specificity matters. You don't need a generalist, you need someone who lives in this space every single day in a real clinical way. Someone who is working with clients and sees the ins and outs of relationships and how neurodivergency fits into that relationship structure on a regular basis. So here's where I leave you today. If you spent your life feeling like you're doing relationships wrong, you're not. If you've been told you're too much and not enough, perhaps all in the same sentence, that's not a flaw. That's because you're living and loving in a neurotypical world that wasn't designed for your brain. And if you just got a diagnosis or you're starting to suspect you might be neurodivergent, and suddenly your whole relationship history makes sense and feels utterly confusing all at the same time, I know how disorienting that can feel. And I know how hopeful it can feel too. Welcome to the Neurodivergent Love Lab. I'm so glad you're here. Next week we're diving into what actually happens when you get that late diagnosis and your entire relationship history suddenly clicks. Episode two, why your relationships finally make sense after a late diagnosis. Now, before you go, if you've ever felt like you're simultaneously too much and not enough in your relationships, like you care too deeply and also somehow keep getting it wrong, I want you to take my free quiz. It's called Is This My Brain or My Relationship? And it helps you figure out whether the patterns you're stuck in are about your neurodivergent wiring, your relationship dynamics, or that beautiful messy intersection of both. It's free. You can get it at Jenadalton.com forward slash quiz or just click the link in the show notes. It only takes about five minutes. Go take it and figure out is this your brain or your relationship? And if you know someone who needs to hear this, send them this episode. I so appreciate you for sharing and supporting your friends, family, partners to gain a deeper understanding of how our wiring impacts the way we love. I'm Jenna Dalton. Your brain isn't broken, it's beautiful. I'll talk to you next week.